Saturday, April 24, 2004

the dream.

I had two children, both girls. One was just old enough to walk steadily; the other was just young enough to still be unsteady. The beginning part of the dream focused on them; the dream-camera followed them as they played. Then I was a participant; I kneeled down, and the younger child ran to me and threw her arms around me. I was amazed and enthralled, and I looked at Geoff to see if he'd witnessed this feat.

Then we were in our bedroom as it currently is, and Jacqui was asleep in her crib. And Geoff was sitting on the bed next to me, and I said to him, "Where is Vivi?" And he looked at me, and his face was blank. And I repeated it: "Where is Vivi?! We had another daughter, and we named her Vivi!!" And I was crying and hysterical, and I started throwing the pillows and blankets on the floor, as if maybe she'd gotten caught under them as we slept.

And then I woke up and told Geoff the dream, and cried.

And I wonder when I'll stop processing this, and just accept it.